


Similarities

by TheManOfManyFandoms



Series: Family Is More Than Blood [8]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Azula (Avatar) is a Cruel Sister, Dissociation, Gen, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), I feel for her but..., Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self Harm, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Self Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Toph Beifong and Zuko are Siblings, Unreliable Narrator, Zuko (Avatar) Angst, Zuko (Avatar) Gets a Hug, Zuko (Avatar) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, like seriously fuck Ozai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25752970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheManOfManyFandoms/pseuds/TheManOfManyFandoms
Summary: A year after the end of the war, Zuko goes for a couple of family visits. Neither visit goes well.
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai & Zuko (Avatar), The Gaang & Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Zuko
Series: Family Is More Than Blood [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1789564
Comments: 311
Kudos: 1127





	1. A Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to Ozai goes horribly wrong for Zuko.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is definitely going to be darker than most of my others. Read the tags and make sure nothing in this fic is going to trigger you in any way! With that being said, enjoy the fic!
> 
> (Oh, and this whole fic was prompted by a lengthy convo I had in the comments section of one of my fics lmao)

Zuko can’t explain _why_ he feels the need to visit his father. Maybe he needs to show Ozai that he’s getting through life just fine without him. Without the painful... _corrections_... that he’d been told, throughout his childhood, he would never accomplish anything without. Maybe Zuko needs to prove to Ozai that he can’t hurt him anymore. Maybe he needs to prove it to himself.

Whatever the reason, in the last few days, he’s found himself drifting closer and closer to the prison his father is kept in. The same one Ozai had thrown Uncle into after Zuko had betrayed him and, even though it nearly makes Zuko sick to look at that building, he has to admit that it’s a perfect revenge.

When he finally goes, it’s in the early morning and practically everyone is asleep. Most importantly, _Toph_ is asleep, because if she found out she’d tell him not to go and he’d agree, because he really _doesn’t_ want to see his father. _Coward_ _coward coward._

He slips from the palace, a hooded, silent figure, and makes his way to the prison. Looking up at the massive building, a wave of nausea hits him, as he remembers the _last_ time he had snuck into this building, in the middle of the night. The guard stationed on the wall shouts an accusatory, “Who’s there?”

Zuko flips the hood back and stares up at the guard, who stammers out, “My apologies, Your Majesty.”

”It’s fine,” Zuko rasps awkwardly, “I’m, uh, I’m here to visit my father.” She nods impassively and motions for him to enter. As Zuko walks down the spiral staircase, he tries to push down the feeling of dread growing in his chest.

He nods to the guards stationed outside of the cell they’ve been keeping Ozai in and they open the door to let him in. It clangs shut behind him with a noise that nearly makes him flinch.

“To what do I owe the _pleasure_ of a visit from the Fire Lord himself?” Ozai speaks up from where he’s sitting against the back wall, in a smooth, cold voice that makes Zuko shudder slightly.

”I’m sorry, I don’t remember the _Fire Lord_ having to explain himself. Especially not, if I recall, to weaker, defenseless relatives,” Zuko snaps.

Ozai smirks, seemingly unbothered, “You’ve certainly grown bolder, boy.”

Zuko shakes his head, “I’ve grown _stronger_.” He steps up to the bars of the cell, eyeing his father with undisguised disgust, “I’m not afraid of you anymore.”

”Are you so sure about that?” Ozai’s smirk is chilling. Practically before Zuko can blink, Ozai is on his feet and next to the bars, staring down at his son. Zuko flinches hard, taking a automatic half step back. “I thought so,” Ozai’s not smirking anymore, but he looks strangely triumphant, “You’re just as weak as you always have been. You might think that you’re less of a coward, but you’ll always be a pathetic, scared little boy, in the end.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Zuko hisses, a quiet fury in his words.

”You’re very _brave_ when we’re separated like this, but if we were on the same side of the bars it would be a very different story, wouldn’t it?”

”I said, _**shut the fuck**_ ** _up_** ,” Zuko roars, a familiar anger surging through his chest and sending a plume of smoke out of his nostrils.

”Such brave words from the same boy who sniveled and cried like a _coward_ , when I taught him a lesson,” Ozai muses.

”Maybe you’d like one too,” Zuko fumes, a burst of flame exiting his mouth along with the words.

”Ah, the noble Fire Lord Zuko already threatening to burn defenseless prisoners. What would your precious Avatar say?” Ozai snarls.

Zuko squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and takes a deep breath. When he lets it out he feels significantly calmer. “A threat is all it is,” he says firmly, “I would never put anyone through what you put _me_ through. I’m not _you_.”

“I never said you were,” Ozai smirks, “Though, now that you mention it, you’d best not let your precious _friends_ see you like _that_. They don’t have any use for someone so _dangerously_ out of control, do they?”

Zuko hates the shiver of fear these words give him. Because, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself, Ozai’s _right_. His friends would never want someone who can’t even control his own bending, just because he got insulted. “Goodbye, father,” he growls, turning his back on the man and marching firmly out of the room.

”It was a _lovely_ visit,” Ozai calls after him. The clang of the door closing behind him _does_ make Zuko flinch this time.

He knows that he’s shaking and apparently the guards notice it too. One of them speaks up cautiously, “Your Majesty, are you alright?”

”I’m fine,” Zuko snaps and immediately regrets it, when the guard flinches minutely. “I- uh, sorry. Yes, I’m fine,” he mumbles apologetically, before all but running out of the prison. He can barely even feel his own limbs as he shakily makes his way back to the palace.

He’s thought about it in passing before, but he’s never let himself dwell on it. But... what if he _is_ becoming his father. He’s threatened people and shouted for no reason and all that’s left is for him to do is to go through with one of his threats. It’s a selfish thought, but his friends would have no reason at all to stick around if they even _thought_ he was becoming Ozai.

And Uncle... _Uncle_. Iroh would be so, so disappointed and even though he’s never, ever hurt Zuko, he can’t help but think that that would be the thing that would finally cause his uncle to snap.

 _You’d deserve it_ , a voice that sounds much too much like Ozai whispers. And Zuko _knows_ , he _knows_ he would, but it doesn’t make it any less of a scary thought. He _can’t_ turn into his father. He _won’t_. He’d rather burn.

With this terrifyingly truthful thought, he slips back into the palace and tries to pretend like he’d never left. He wishes he hadn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope ya'll enjoyed the chapter! Drop some kudos and/or a comment to lemme know :)


	2. Tilting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko spirals. Badly.

Zuko hasn’t slept in over a week. The first, and only, time he had tried to fall asleep, after visiting his father, he had woken up with a scream stuck in his throat and shuddering sobs nearly choking him. Rather than risk having another horrible nightmare, he’s thrown himself into his duties, as Fire Lord, admittedly much harder than necessary. He’s sure Toph knows something’s up, but, thankfully, she hasn’t called him out on it yet.

At the moment, he’s looking over some official documents, discussing the necessary reforms on the schooling system. He can feel himself practically tearing up, as his sleep-deprived brain tries to make sense of the extensive lists of changes needed and complaints filed, mostly by noble parents. A soft knock on the door of his office makes him jump. “Uh, come in,” he calls.

A servant cautiously opens the door and says, “Your Majesty? The ambassadors from the Earth Kingdom are about to arrive. You agreed to meet them in the throne room.”

”What?” Zuko snaps, right eye widening in shock, “What day is it?”

”It’s Thursday, my lord,” the servant stammers nervously.

He had been off by a whole day. ”Spirits damnit,” Zuko facepalms angrily, “I’m so _stupid_.”

“W-would you like me to fetch your robes, while you prepare, Your Majesty?” The servant looks scared and Zuko feels like kicking himself. He _knows_ he can’t rage in front of his servants; half of them are one outburst away from a breakdown, after Ozai’s reign of terror and Azula’s terrifying, few days in power. Zuko can’t give them any reason to think that he’s becoming anything like his father.

”Yes,” he sighs, squeezing his eyes shut, in an effort to ground himself, “Thank you Teiyu. I apologize if I startled you.”

They look confused, as most of the servants are, when he’s even halfway decent to them. In the end, they simply nod and slip into the adjoining room, which leads to his chambers. He had flatly refused to sleep in the old Fire Lord chambers and had, instead, moved to an entirely separate wing of the palace.

Toph had been more than happy to bulldoze the entire wing that had formerly been used by the Fire Lord and their family. She had rebuilt it as a wing of guest rooms for ambassadors from the Earth Kingdom and the Water Tribes. Zuko can almost breath when he visits that part of the palace, now.

When Zuko stands, the whole room seems to tilt beneath him. He braces himself against the edge of his desk, breathing only a bit heavier than usual, and waits for the dizzy spell to pass.

When his, alreay limited, vision is no longer comprised of mostly darkness, he pushes himself upright again and unsteadily makes his way to his chambers, so he can make sure he looks somewhat presentable.

Looking in the floor length mirror, he can't decide whether he wants to laugh or cry. His hair is more than a bit messy and his eye bags have eye bags. _At least_ , he thinks, with a bitter sort of triumph, _father probably never looked like this._

He picks up a hairbrush and tries to run it through his tangled hair. To his own shame, his hand is shaking too much to hold the brush properly. _Weakling_ , his mind hisses nastily. "Would you like assistance, my lord?" Teiyu questions, startling him. He had been so caught up in his own head, that he hadn't noticed their entrance.

"Okay," Zuko mutters, reddening a bit, in embarrassment.

Teiyu carefully takes the brush, from where Zuko had been limply holding it, and, as gently as possible, brushes out the tangles in his hair. To his horror, Zuko can feel his eyes trying to slip shut, as Teiyu work. 

After slipping his hair into a top knot and sliding in Zuko's crown, Teiyu asks softly, "Would you like me to assist you with your robes, Fire Lord?" 

"I-" Zuko's original plan had been to refuse their help, but, when he stands, the room tilts again, so he settles on murmuring, "Yes, please." Teiyu smiles at him, in that gentle, sad way some of the servants seem to look at him with, and Zuko ducks his head awkwardly.

The next few minutes pass in a blur and, as Zuko shakily walks towards the door, he calls another soft, "Thank you." over his shoulder, as he goes.

\----------

Zuko really, really does _not_ like the throne room. Unfortunately, he had been strongly advised against destroying it, much to Toph's irritation. So here he is. Sitting on the throne, behind a very low wall of flames, and trying to stop trembling.

The ambassadors are late and Zuko can feel his patience slipping. When they finally arrive, they bow low in greeting, before straightening up again. "Fire Lord," the woman standing in the middle of the others speaks up, "We've come to discuss the borders. Some in the Earth Kingdom believe that-"

Zuko's eye narrows. If 'some people in tne Earth Kingdom' had their way, the Fire Nation would give up territories that had been theirs since long before the war. The wall of fire rises, along with his emotions, and Zuko flinches at the same time as the ambassadors.

"I believe we can discuss this later." He doesn't mean for his voice to sound as cold and detached, as it does, but it's the only way he can hide the horror he's feeling at, once again, nearly losing control of his temper.

The ambassadors glower, as the woman, who had spoken before, curtly says, "Very well. With that, the group exits the room and Zuko is left alone, furious with himself. _I let myself act like_ him _again_ , he thinks furiously.

He flinches, as another thought makes itself known, _You_ did _say you'd rather burn._

 _No. no. no. It's been so long._ , he thinks desperately, even as two of his fingers heat up, seemingly of their own accord.

 _It_ is _a needed punishment_ , he attempts to reason to himself, as he stares at his hand for a long, contemplative moment. Finally, making up his mind, he rolls up his sleeve and presses his two, smoking fingers onto his upper arm. He removes his fingers, once the pain makes him flinch, and rolls his sleeve back down, barely even blinking through the whole procedure.

"Ugh," he groans, burying his face in his, now cool, hands,"I'm a fucking pathetic freak." He just sits there, slumped over, with his face in his hands for a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oop- catch me slipping in an enby character bc this is my world now and I can’t deal with any more homophobia/transphobia so the Avatar universe has none. Periodt.
> 
> Hope ya'll liked the chapter! Drop some kudos or a comment to lemme know what you think :)


	3. Partial Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toph tries to help Zuko and Zuko goes for another visit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw, I should note that this takes place AFTER “I Guess We’re Scared”

“Sparky. We need to talk.” Zuko feels himself jolt as Toph throws open his office door. It’s been a little over an hour since he fucked up the meeting with the ambassadors and he still hasn’t stopped shaking. Though that might be the sleep deprivation.

”About what?” He asks, aiming for nonchalance, but he knows he sounds much too defensive to pull it off.

Toph’s voice is softer the next time she speaks, “You’re running yourself into the ground, Sparky. We’ve talked about this.”

Zuko shakes his head, “N-no. I’m fine, I swear.”

”I _know_ you’re lying, Sunshine,” Toph says, voice firm, but not abrasive. Zuko flinches anyway. Her face does that funny thing that it does sometimes, when she feels guilty and doesn’t know what to do about it. Zuko hates it.

”Sorry,” he rasps, ducking his head. He really _does_ fuck everything up, doesn’t he?

”None of that, Sparkles. You didn’t do anything wrong. But you _do_ need to tell me what the hell is going on.”

”I just need to get this shit done,” Zuko mumbles, a half truth.

Toph’s eyes narrow suspiciously, but in the end she just sighs. “Well, you need to get some sleep, dumbass,” her voice is tight and Zuko hates that yet _another_ person his mad at him. He should have lied better, reassured her that he’s perfectly fine, done _something_ that wouldn’t have made her upset.

”I-I will, just let me-” 

“No,” she cuts him off, grabbing his wrist and pulling him to his feet, “You’re going to take a nap.” 

Zuko feels himself go pale. “Please don’t make me,” he rasps quietly, trembling harder than ever. He _can’t_ have another nightmare like the last one. 

Toph pauses in her tracks, perhaps sensing how turmoiled he’s feeling. After a moment, she says, “Alright. How about this? Let’s go chill by the turtleduck pond. You don’t have to sleep, but you can at least relax for a while. Does that sound good, Sunshine?”

Zuko bites his lip, considering. A little relaxation _does_ sound nice. Not that he deserves it, after the stunt he pulled earlier. “Okay,” he says quietly, instead of all of the self-deprecating things he _wants_ to say.

Toph smiles at him, “Good. Your children miss you.”

”They’re _not_ my children,” Zuko argues, feeling something like the ghost of a smile cross his lips.

”You keep telling yourself that,” Toph winks over-exaggeratedly and Zuko actually giggles a little. Toph grins at him and, sliding her hand down to take his, pulls him along behind her.

—————

When they arrive at the pond, she releases Zuko and flops down onto her stomach. Zuko sits down beside her, legs crossed beneath him and smiles, despite himself, when he sees the turtleducks swimming around and quacking happily. One of the smaller turtleducklings takes an interest in him, staring up at him from the edge of the pond and giving him a curious quack in greeting.

"Hey, little one,” Zuko says softly, tentatively holding out a hand. After a moment’s consideration, the little turtleduck bumps the Fire Lord’s hand with it’s beak and quacks again. “You want me to pet you?” Zuko asks it, very gently stroking its tiny head with two fingers. It squawks appreciatively and Zuko laughs a little.

Before he knows it, his eyelids are slipping shut and he’s yawning widely. He doesn’t even have the energy to fight it, when Toph extricates the turtleduck and guides him into a more horizontal position. He’s asleep, before he can even protest.

—————

Zuko’s face is hot. Much, much too hot. He flinches away from the source of the heat, knowing instinctively that it’s very dangerous. The heat follows him and he finally opens his eyes, realizing _why_ he hasn’t been able to see. The breath leaves his lungs, as he looks into his father’s eyes. His father’s furious, disdainful eyes.

”Father, no! I’m sorry! Please, please. I didn’t mean to! Please forgive me,” he sobs, voice cracking in terror. He can hear Azula cackling on the sidelines, but, when he turns his head to look, his baby sister is chained to the floor and sobbing hysterically, coughing up blue flames.

“ _You will learn respect. And suffering will be your teacher_ ,” Ozai sneers. Zuko’s gaze snaps back to his father, as he grabs Zuko’s ponytail in one hand, the other cupping the left side of his face. Zuko struggles to get out of his grip, but feels as if his knees are glued to the stone floor he’s kneeling on. The hand gripping his face heats up and suddenly Zuko’s screaming so hard his throat is raw almost instantly.

“ **Father, please**!” He jolts awake with a yell. He can feel himself hyperventilating, as he clutches his face desperately, in an attempt to protect himself from something that has already been done long ago.

”-ko! Come on, Zuko, breath with me!” A hand touches his own and he flinches back. “Hey, hey, you’re okay, Sunshine,” the voice speaking is gentle and familiar and, this time, when the hand carefully grabs his and squeezes it, he doesn’t flinch.

The gentle voice guides him, until he can breath on his own again. Finally, he blinks his eyes open and sees Toph sitting in front of him, where his back is pressed against a tree, and feels shame flood him. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out, wiping his eyes desperately, with his free hand.

”Don’t apologize, Sunshine,” Toph says firmly, “You didn’t do _anything_ wrong, okay?”

Zuko nods wordlessly, swallowing hard. “That’s, uh, why I didn’t want to go to sleep. They’ve been bad lately.”

"Yeah, I think I get it now," Toph says, smiling thinly.

They sit there together in silence for a few moments longer, Zuko's mind racing. "I-I need to go," he finally mutters, getting to his feet shakily.

Toph releases his hand, standing up with him, "I know you probably want to be alone right now, just- take care of yourself, dumbass, okay?"

"Yeah, alright," Zuko smiles weakly, before walking, almost too quickly, back into the palace.

\----------

Zuko's going on another early morning visit. Not to his father, this time, but to his sister. The memory of her sobbing and screaming, as she was dragged away, has been plauging him ever since his nightmare the day before.

He _has_ to see her. Even if she still hates him. He just needs to know that she's doing, at least a little, better than she had been the last time he had seen her.

When he's allowed in to see her, she's sitting on a chair on the other side of a glass barrier, preventing contact between the two. She still looks more exhausted and twitchy than Zuko had ever seen her _before_ , but she looks much less unhinged than she had, during the Agni Kai.

"I'm flattered to see you, Fire Lord Zuzu," Azula drawls, crossing her arms over her chest, "I don't suppose you have a good reason for this little visit?"

"What? I'm not allowed to visit my sister?" Zuko deflects.

" _Please_ , Zuzu. If you wanted to visit me for the hell of it, you would have done so months ago," Azula points out, with all of her usual perceptiveness.

Zuko sighs, "Fine. I just wanted to see if you were doing better."

Azula snorts, "Not that you _really_ care, but I _am_ feeling... better."

"I _do_ care, Zula," Zuko says softly, heart hurting.

"Liar," Azula says quietly. They're silent for a moment, before Azula speaks up again, a deliberately cruel smirk on her lips, though her voice is shaking, "You know, you look a _lot_ more like Dad than you did the last time I saw you."

Zuko feels the breath catch in his throat and it's his turn to choke out, "Liar."

"No, really!" Azula says cheerfully, "If it wasn't for that hideous _thing_ on your face I probably wouldn't be able to see the difference between you."

Zuko takes a step back, shaking his head, the blood rushing in his ears, and quietly says, " _Stop_ ," his voice cracking.

"The truth really does hurt, doesn't it?" Azula is smirking and Zuko can't breath, so he does the only thing he can think of and bolts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals, I had absolutely no idea what to do for this chapter (as usual) and actually ended up loving it lmao.  
> Lemme know what ya’ll think with some kudos or a comment!


	4. Numb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toph helps Zuko calm down from a very bad panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this chapter comes off as a little more despondent than usual, I’ve been going through a hard time lately and I write to vent so that might come out a little. Anyway, regardless, I hope you all enjoy :)
> 
> I put a couple of trigger warnings in the end notes, if you wanted to check those out before you read

Zuko doesn’t exactly _bolt_ , but, the whole walk home, he can’t feel his own limbs and he’s pretty sure that if he could, he _would_ be bolting. Raising a numb hand, he sees that it’s trembling violently and, looking down, his whole arm is doing the same. He feels his chest tighten in panic, as he realizes that he really _can’t_ feel his arm. He shakes it to try and feel _something_ , but _he can’t, he can’t, he can’t-  
_

A strangled sob forces itself out of him and he tries to remember how to _feel_ , because he’s pretty sure it’s not supposed to be this hard. His feet are still moving and he’s not sure where they’re taking him, but that’s fine, because he wouldn’t exactly care if they led him off a bridge right now. He stops dead in his tracks at that thought, because what the _fuck_ is wrong with him? 

A sudden idea comes to him and he, once again, heats the tips of his fingers and, rolling up his sleeve, presses down hard on his wrist. It takes a moment for him to register the pain, but, when he does, he flinches hard, removing his hand in the process. Staring down at his burnt wrist, he realizes dimly that he can, at least, feel his own body again.

Now that he's aware of himself again, he feels horribly sick to his stomach. A slightly hysterical laugh leaves him, as a very unamusing thought occurs to him. _~~I guess that’s another thing my father and I have in common. We've both burned me.~~ __No, no, no. We’re not the same. We’re not. Azula was lying. Azula always lies. ~~Your friends will hate you.~~ No they **won’t**._

”Azula always lies,” he mutters aloud, “Azula always lies.”

He barely registers the rest of the walk back to the palace. It’s not early anymore and he _knows_ he looks like shit, but he can’t deal with everyone _staring_ at him like some sort of ~~_freak._~~ He shuts himself in his bedroom and collapses against the back wall, burying his face in his knees, which he’s tucked into his chest. He finally gives into the hiccuping sobs that have been threatening to come out from the day he had visited his father.

”I’m not like him,” he whispers to himself, “I’m _not_. Azula always lies. Azula always lies.” He’s still muttering the mantra to himself, when he faintly hears his door creaking open. His eyes snap up, as he instinctively pushes himself back into the wall. 

“ _Sparky_? Holy shit, they weren’t exaggerating.” It’s Toph and she looks _horribly_ sad and Zuko _hates_ it.

”I’m sorry,” he chokes out.

” _What_? Why are you sorry, Zuko?” The earthbender asks incredulously.

”I don’t know,” Zuko says honestly, voice cracking.

”Alright, you need to breath, Sunshine,” Toph says matter-of-factly, sitting down in front of him.

”I can’t,” he whispers, shaking his head.

Toph considers this for a moment. ”Do you think you’d be able to follow my breaths?” She begins to breath exaggeratedly, in demonstration.

Zuko nods, croaking, “Yeah.” It takes a while for his breathing to resemble anything close to normal, but, when it does, his tears begin to taper off. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

”You need to tell me what’s going on with you, Sunshine,” Toph murmurs, her voice uncharacteristically gentle.

”I-” Zuko hesitates, before continuing, in a low voice, “About a week ago, I went to see my father.”

Toph sucks in a breath, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

”I’m sorry,” Zuko says automatically, “I knew you’d tell me not to go and- and I didn’t want to be dissuaded.”

Toph sighs, but waves for him to continue, so he tells her everything. He tells her about losing his temper and threatening Ozai, he tells her about his terror that she and the rest of their friends would hate him if he acted anything like his father, he tells her about having horrific nightmares, he tells her about staying awake for a week straight, in an effort to prevent them.

He tells her about accidentally getting angry with the Earth Kingdom ambassadors, he _doesn’t_ tell her about his self-inflicted punishment afterwards, but he knows that she notices his hesitation. He tells her about visiting Azula, he tells her about Azula’s cruel words, and, finally, he tells her of the all-encompassing panic that had led them to this moment.

"Zuko," Toph murmurs, sounding so, so sad.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Zuko mumbles.

"I'm not mad at you, Sunshine," Toph assures him, wrapping a hand around his wrist and squeezing gently. Zuko hisses in pain and Toph releases him quickly. "What happened? Are you hurt?"

Zuko stares at her, right eye wide in fear, "N-no! I'm fine!"

"Please stop lying to me, Sparky," Toph sighs, "What happened?"

"I couldn't feel anything, so I burnt myself," he mutters quickly.

"Sorry, _what_?"

"I felt numb and I got scared, so I burned mmyself just to feel something," Zuko mumbles, slower this time.

Toph's whole face crumples and, before he can blink, she's gripping him in a fierce hug. "That _really_ sucks," she says quietly.

"Yeah," Zuko laughs wetly, "It does."

"Do you know what'll help you feel better?" Toph questions, pulling back.

"What?"

"A visit to Uncle!"

Zuko smiles softly at the thought and agrees without any hesitation. Toph grabs his unburned hand and he allows her to drag him to Uncle's teashop, hopeful that the, most probably overdue, visit will be what he needs to finally, trully relax.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [TW: Dissociation, self harm, and suicidal thoughts]
> 
> Lemme know how ya'll liked the chapter!


	5. Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zuko goes to Uncle Iroh's, where a surprise is waiting for him.

When they arrive at Uncle’s tea shop, they’re informed, by his assistant, that Iroh’s at home with guests. Zuko bites his lip nervously, looking to Toph, “I don’t- I don’t want to bother him, if he’s busy.”

“Don’t be fucking stupid, Sparky,” Toph snorts, punching his shoulder gently, “You’re not a ‘bother’ to Uncle.”

Zuko agrees to go through their visit, shaking his head in an attempt to rid himself of the self-deprecating thoughts that sound too much like Azula; _useless_ , _burden of a Fire Lord._ Upon arriving at Uncle’s home, however, all such thoughts are blown out of his mind for the time being. The moment they open the door, he’s nearly tackled to the floor in a tight hug.

”Sifu Hotman!” Comes Aang’s voice, from where he’s latched himself onto the firebender. 

“Oh, uh, hi? What are you doing here?” Looking up, he sees that the Water Tribe siblings and Suki are here as well. “What are you _all_ doing here?” He amends. Most of him is relieved and happy to see his friends, but there’s a small part of him that hates the presence of even more people here to witness his breakdown.

”We came to visit, as a surprise!” Sokka explains, grinning at him, “When we arrived at the palace, they said you and Toph were busy, so we came here to wait until you two got out of whatever boring meeting you were stuck in.”

Zuko coughs awkwardly and mutters, “Yeah, uh, we were definitely in a meeting. And it was. Very boring, that is.”

Toph audibly facepalms beside him, as the others all give him odd looks. “We all know you can’t lie for shit, but that was bad, even for you,” Sokka informs him. Zuko winces. He knows it’s true, but it doesn’t lessen the sting of never being _good_ at _anything_.

Aang pulls back, looking confused, “If you weren’t in a meeting, than what were you doing?”

Zuko looks around for help, locking eyes with Iroh for a moment and nearly sagging in relief, when the man says jovially, “Let my nephew breath a moment, you two. Come Zuko, sit by your old Uncle.” Zuko smiles a little, slipping past the others quickly to sit down. Toph flops herself on his other side, in a faux-casual way, before anyone else can sit down. 

Katara’s eyeing him from the other side of the room, with the look she always gets, when she’s restraining herself from mothering someone. “Zuko, is something wrong?” She finally asks, in a worried tone.

Zuko makes a slightly affronted noise. "What, is it that obvious?" He asks, lips twitching into a nervous smile, as he twists his hands together anxiously.

"A little," Suki replies lightly, though she looks cooncerned, "You kind of gave yourself away, buddy."

"Oh. Right," Zuko says in a clipped tone, staring down at his lap. There's a long moment, where no one says anything, before Zuko sighs and mumbles, "I've, uh, not been doing very well lately, I guess."

When he's been silent again for a long moment, Katara speaks up again, "You don't have to tell us anything if you don't want to, Zuko."

"I-I know," he responds quietly, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, "I think I want to, though.

A large hand makes contact with his back and he barely prevents himself from flinching. He relaxes into the touch after a moment and the hand remains, a comforting presence, as Zuko continues speaking, "I visited my father a little over a week ago and it didn't- it didn't go very well."

He tells the story, in the same way that he had told Toph, until he gets to the part with the Earth Kingdom ambassadors. Here, he hesitates, before saying in a shaking voice, "It's not- it's not like I was _trying_ to scare them, it just... sort of _happened_ , but it seemed like something Fa- Ozai would do, so I, um... burned myself a little, as a- as a reminder."

Several gasps had come from the others at his words and, as he looks up cautiously, he's dismayed to see that Katara and Aang both look close to tears.

"You aren't _anything_ like Ozai," Sokka says vehemently, "You're better than that asshole could ever even dream to be."

Zuko stares at the other boy in wide eyed shock for a moment, but, before hecan respond, Iroh calls his name softly, "Zuko," and Zuko snaps his head around to look at his uncle, "How long has it been?"

"Since before the eclipse," Zuko whispers, voice breaking, "I'm sorry..."

Pulling Zuko into a gentle hug, Iroh shakes his head, "You don't have to apologize, nephew. I'm proud of you for telling us."

Zuko buries his head in Iroh's shoulder for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut, in an effort to keep himself from bursting into tears. Pulling back, Zuko clears his throat and fumbles on with his story.

By the time he gets them caught up, he feels both physically and emotionally drained. Iroh wraps an arm around him and Zuko allows himself to lean into his uncle's side, still biting back tears.

"Zuko..." Katara begins, in that gentle tone that _always_ makes his heart ache, but now, in his sleep-deprived, exhausted state, it actually causes a few tears to slide down his face.

"Can I hug you, Zuko?" Katara asks him softly. He nods mutely and allows her to pull him away from his uncle and into her arms. Though, she _is_ still a bit shorter than him, she had grown quite a bit over the past year and he... hadn't. 

Because of this, it's easier than it used to be to simply fold himself into her embrace and let her stroke his hair gently. He fights valiantly against tears for a moment, but, finally, he breaks down, sobbing into Katara's shoulder, too tired to even feel very guilty for bothering her so much.

As he cries, he feels the others croud around him, some wrapping their arms around him and others putting a hand on his shoulder or arm, as a grounding, steady presence. When he finally calms some, he pulls away from Katara, who gives him a shaky smile.

"I say it's time for a good ol' nap," Sokka tells the group at large.

Zuko ducks his head a little, "I- I wouldn't want to inconvenience you all anymore than I probably have."

"Nah, don't be stupid," Sokka grins at him, "We just got here from a long flight on Appa, so we're tired too."

"And I'm always chill with some relaxation," Toph pipes up, with a grin of her own. "Oh, and Sunshine?" she says in a softer voice, as she comes closer, "You're nothing like your shitty excuse for a father. I promise."

Zuko feels himself relaxing, as he quietly responds, "Thanks, Toph."

"Anytime, nerd," she punches his arm with a fond smile that makes Zuko smile back.

When, about fifteen minutes later, he settles in the middle of the nest of blankets and pillows that they've pushed together, he can't help but to feel safe. He feels safe and warm and he _knows_ he has a family who loves him. As he falls asleep, he thinks, with a vicious sort of relief, that _that_ is something that he can never have in common with Ozai.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of yet another fic and I hope ya'll enjoyed! Lemme know how you liked the chapter in the comments :) Thank you all so much for reading and I'll see ya'll in the next fic!


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